Big Meat Monday. You won't believe my good fortune. When I returned home from the Humane Society walk on Sunday, there was a note tacked on the door from my brother in law.
'Erik & Jess- whole chicken for you down at Nana's. Cook tomorrow or Tuesday'.
What luck! Just in time for Big Meat Monday's big debut: a whole bird to put in my crock pot. Now Erik's brother has turned into quite the little farmer. In just two years he's gone from vegetables only to having multiple types of birds. He'll even have turkey's ready in time for Thanksgiving.
Now, for those of you that don't know, I am about a phone call away from straight jacket and white room when it comes to preparing chicken. I hate it. I am convinced that I am going to poison my whole family with salmonella and die. So you can imagine that when a bird that has not been handled by professionals but rather by Erik's brother down on his farm I was even more nervous. (I know that most people would be excited to know exactly where the meat they were eating was coming from, but not me.)
I'll paint the picture for you: It's about 6:30 AM. The bird is taunting me from the fridge. I take it out of it's vacuum sealed bag and being my preparations (at least I don't have to cut it, I thought). The very first thing I notice is that there are still remnants of hair on the bird. Ok, I can deal with this, right? I try and shave the hair off with a knife. Didn't work super well, but it will cook off, right? Followed by I see items trying to creep out of the chicken whole. Oh god, the gizzards and neck, whatever the hell those things are that you have to take out. I don't want to touch them, so I shake the chicken over the sink and the come to a thud in the bottom of the sink. Near barfing at this point. Quickly (but thoroughly!) rinse the bird and get it in the pot so I can be done touching it. Get my anti-bacterial kitchen wipes and and go to town on the counters and the sink (carefully wrapping up the chicken parts and putting them in the garbage. Go OCD style on washing my hands and I'm done.
Now, the recipe says to cook the bird breast side down for 8-10 hours, so I set the timer for 9. During the day, I've already decided that there is zero chance that I'm actually going to eat this for dinner but instead I'll have leftover chili. I tell Erik this when he gets home and he said he figured that's what would happen.
Erik, very bravely, even after hearing the tale of the hair and the gizzards is going to eat it. He says it is very dry and in my mind all I can picture is this:
Rating: 1/5
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